Melania vs. Malenia? Image this: the octagon doorways shut, Bruce Buffer clears his throat, and standing in reverse corners are a 55-year-old first woman and a demigod warrior who as soon as nuked a complete area with magical rot. That is the matchup no one requested for however everybody wants to consider.
Melania Trump
Melania Trump, in response to a number of sources, stands 5’11” and weighs round 130-139 kilos. Her fight coaching consists of… Pilates. And tennis. And strolling round with ankle weights whereas doing family chores. That’s it. No Brazilian jiu-jitsu. No Muay Thai. No wrestling camp with Dagestan’s best. Simply low-impact workout routines designed to keep up her determine and maintain her joints glad. She eats seven pieces of fruit a day and generally opts for chocolate as an alternative. This girl has zero documented martial arts expertise.
Malenia Blade of Miquella
Now meet her opponent. Malenia, Blade of Miquella, stands someplace between 7’7″ and eight’4″ depending on which mathematician you belief, although most estimates hover round 8 toes. She’s a demigod born from a single divine entity break up into two facets, cursed from beginning with scarlet rot that consumed her limbs and compelled her to put on prosthetic replacements.
Regardless of being blind and lacking an arm and each legs under the knee, she went undefeated in a continental conflict, compelled Godrick the Grafted to beg for his life, and fought the gravity-warping Starscourge Radahn to a standstill earlier than nuking all the area of Caelid in a draw. Her signature transfer, Waterfowl Dance, entails launching into the air and executing 4 consecutive flurries of sword strikes that the majority gamers can’t dodge even with a controller of their fingers.
Melania vs. Malenia
Strip away Malenia’s sword per customary UFC guidelines, and you continue to have a blind, superhuman warrior who stands over two toes taller than Melania and possesses demigod-tier energy, agility, and sturdiness. Demigods in mythology sometimes show superhuman bodily traits together with extraordinary energy, velocity, enhanced senses, above-average therapeutic, and superior agility. Even unarmed and sure by Unified Guidelines rules, Malenia retains prosthetic limbs described as masterwork craftsmanship that perform as proficiently as actual limbs. A kind of prosthetics is actually her complete proper arm.
The scale disparity alone makes this absurd. Malenia would have someplace between 150-180 kilos on Melania, probably extra given her peak and muscle construction. Malenia would dwarf even heavyweight males, who max out at 265 kilos. You’re speaking about somebody who may in all probability compete in a theoretical super-heavyweight division combating somebody who does Pilates.
Even when we generously assume Malenia enters the octagon weakened to mortal-ish ranges, she’s nonetheless a educated warrior with fight instincts hardwired via numerous battles. Melania’s most aggressive bodily exercise is hitting tennis balls at Mar-a-Lago. The usual UFC octagon measures 30 toes throughout, although the smaller Apex cage is 25 toes. Both approach, there’s nowhere to run. The cage is designed to stop escape, with partitions 5’9″ to six′ excessive. Melania can’t retreat to the White Home.
Below the Unified Guidelines of MMA, each fighters would wish to put on mouthguards, four-ounce gloves, and comply with rules prohibiting groin strikes, eye pokes, headbutts, and strikes to the again of the top. Three judges would rating rounds utilizing the 10-point should system, with efficient placing and grappling as the first standards. Referees can intervene for fouls, difficulty warnings, deduct factors, or name disqualifications.
None of this issues. The second the bell rings, Malenia closes distance in about three steps given her stride size. Melania, whose defensive technique apparently entails consuming peaches, would face a blind demigod with superhuman reflexes who defeated Radahn’s armies and conquered her approach via the Lands Between. Even with zero weapons and adhering to each UFC regulation, Malenia’s bodily benefits are staggering. Her arm alone may in all probability apply a clinch Melania has no coaching to flee. One takedown, and it’s over. Floor management from somebody with supernatural energy towards somebody whose exercise routine entails ankle weights? The referee would wave it off sooner than you possibly can say “Goddess of Rot.”
It is a demigod with a resumé of continental warfare dealing with somebody whose greatest bodily problem is sustaining posture throughout a make-up routine. Mrs Trump merely doesn’t have the dex construct of Let Me Solo Her nor the abilities.
Verdict? Malenia by no matter technique she chooses, inside one spherical. TKO through ground-and-pound, submission through energy benefit, or simply referee stoppage when it turns into clear Melania’s Pilates teacher didn’t put together her for this. Someplace within the Lands Between, Miquella is laughing. Someplace in Florida, Donald Trump might be betting on his spouse anyway.
